Every time I'm back in the UK I get a little reminder of the satisfaction English sales' assistants take in telling you they don't have what you're looking for. A shocking contrast to all those famously rude New Yorkers who'll run around, determined to find you a pair of grey wool peg-top pants, waist 34, no cuffs.

I was just in England for the weekend and as I had half an hour to spare I thought I'd go buy a christening gift for our newest grandson. And where better to look than an SPCK shop. Still, I knew my first idea would throw them for a loop so I proceeded very carefully.
I said, 'This is an odd request in March, but do you have any Nativity cribs?'
The assistant's eyes did an alarmed flicker, doing their best not to come to rest on me, an evident nutter.
No cribs.
I said, 'Not even in the store room?'
No. Not even. Well, it is Lent. Or as it's called in the retail trade, The Run Up to Easter. It was a long shot. Fair enough. So then I moved on to Plan B, which was to buy a child's first prayer book. The children's section was easy to locate because it had the Narnia books. I have no quarrel with Narnia. In fact that's probably what I should have bought for young Conor but hindsight is a fine thing. I was losing my concentration, irritated by all the touchy-feely, fair trade, I'll celebrate your Eid if you'll tolerate my crucifix stuff on the shelves.

I said, 'Where are your children's prayer books?'
He said, 'the children's books are there and the prayer books are over there.'
Subtext: are you blind as well as ignorant of the retail seasons? And do I really have to get off my stool to deal with you?
I said, 'So I see. But there are no children's prayer books.'
'Well,' he said, 'in that case we haven't got any.'
Haha! Game, set and match to the English no-sales' assistant.
I said, 'I see my error. I obviously walked into the wrong shop. I thought this was SPCK. The Society for Promoting Christian Knowledge?'
And everyone in the store bowed their heads in devout English busyness until the door clicked shut and they knew that the nutter had left the building.